My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
