I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
You left your phone here
Wait...
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