We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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