Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
