Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
