I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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