you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
