I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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