yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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