im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You've changed since you got that strap on
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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