I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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