there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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