i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
