The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
