And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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