Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize