I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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