Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
