So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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