I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
It was like getting head from an anaconda
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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