you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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