i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
