I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Randomize
