4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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