And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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