I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
