Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
