she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
