New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
