people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Dear god my vagina.
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