Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
