Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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