True but thats because hes a fetus.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
