I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
