This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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