have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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