Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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