Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize