I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
