I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
