i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
