If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
pop tarts are not kleenex
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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