I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
