I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
