I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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