i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
