hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
