If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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