I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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