dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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