i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
