Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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