his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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