I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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