I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
