I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
True strength comes from lack of pants
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
