A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize