if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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