im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
