If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
